HULKACINEMA!: Thunder in Paradise (1993)

His Look Really Doesn't Change Much

I couldn't find this movie streaming on any service: not on Hulu, not on Amazon, and not on Netflix. I did, however, find it, for free, on Youtube. So I decided that I would watch and review this one, sooner than originally scheduled, in order to avoid paying for these movies as much as possible. This one, unlike Suburban Commando, was actually quite a bit of fun. And you can actually track Hogan's growth as an... actor? I mean, he's still very terrible. But he's getting more comfortable in front of the camera, and trying to establish his go-to action film persona.

Summary:

Randolph "Archie" "Hurricane" Spencer (aka Spence (and billed on IMDB as R.J. Spencer: where the fuck does the J come from? (Yeah, that's a multitude of possible nicknames))) and his partner, Martin "Bru" Brubaker (this movie never met a nickname it didn't like), are ex-Navy Seals who ride around the Florida coast in their state-of-the-art speed boat (nicknamed "Thunder") doing mercenary work. But, apparently mercenary work just doesn't pay what it used to, because Spence (aka Hurricane, aka RJ, aka Archie) is underwater (see what I did there?) on the bank loans it took to trick out his speed boat (with, among other things: rockets, a chain gun, some kind of turbo boost jets, a sonar station and hacking computer, and a hidden ski-doo compartment with a ski-doo (nicknamed "Trigger" (didn't I tell you, about the nicknames?). I could tell you more but... at this point, having read all THAT, you are either in, or completely (understandably) OUT of this movie. I, however, was all in.

Things I Enjoyed (I've decided not to refer to these as "Pros," because, while most of these made me giggle, they aren't strengths of the film, per se):

Cheesy 80s Generic Rock Theme Song: This movie starts with a wonderfully 80s rock theme, "Kissed by a Hurricane" by Michael Lanning. And it is a treat.

Hulk Hogan Paragliding With a Little Girl: Other than Bru, Spence's best friend, in this movie, appears to be a little girl. He filets sharks with her (and gives her a necklace found in the entrails of that shark, which later becomes a plot device), and goes paragliding. There is something hilariously sweet (and creepy) about a grown ass man paragliding with a little girl. Her mother is, justifiably upset, and reams Spence over the coals about it. Which means that they've done it before. Which means that Spence is a really lonely man.

TARDIS Boat: Thunder, the boys' boat, has all kinds of weapons built in (and the ski-doo), but its most impressive feature is its utterly absurd below-decks computer lab. The thing has enough room for both men to walk around (and I mean around: this thing aint cramped) at full height. There is a wall of computer screens and sonar shit. It is laughable to think that what we see belowdecks would actually fit in the full-sized speed boat we actually see above water. Also, it's a stealth boat with a candy-yellow pinstripe that spells, in a stylized font, "Thunder." Kind of hard to hide from ANY enemy with the name of your boat emblazoned on the side. But then, how else would the ladies see it? A true conundrum.

Hulk's Eye-Patch: I thought the eye-patch was ridiculous. The story they wrote about it was ridiculous. And then it comes off, and we never see it again. There is a reason (see below), but I thought the movie would have been stronger if he had just kept the eye-patch the entire time.

Bru + Spence = 4Eva: There is some serious golden-age homo-erotic bestfriendship in this movie. Both men end up paired with beautiful women, but I'll be damned if Bru and Spence wouldn't just be happier somewhere on the open ocean with cold brews, their insane boat, and their own tender passion.

"Psychological Warfare:" At one point, during the climactic battle, Spence grabs a can of grey grease paint. Bru asks him what he's doing. He responds: "A little psychological warfare." We next see Spence scaling the enemy boat with grey and black stripes all over his face. This would, in fact, be a bit of stealth and spooky-scary psychological warfare... if the sequence weren't filmed entirely in the daytime. And Spence just kills the first dude that he runs into, so, like... who are you psychological warfare-ing? Like... nevermind. It's absurd, and I loved it. Also, Spence didn't bother to paint, or otherwise disguise, his halo of soft, baby-down blonde hair. That's Hogan's trademark. You can't cover that shit up.

Cons:

This Movie Should Only Have Been 41 Minutes Long: At 41 minutes, the movies hitherto-fore established stakes have been solved: Spence agrees (after four minutes of screentime) to marry Megan (the mother of the girl Spence is fond of paragliding with (this movie has a surprisingly labyrinthine plot)) so she can keep her hotel. That's it. But then, something like fifty minutes into the movie, we are introduced to the real bad guys of the film, and they kidnap the little girl, and there's a treasure map, and... Jesus.

So Short, and, Somehow, So Long: This is a 104-minute movie. It should not have taken me three days to watch it. But it did. Mostly because I found other, more interesting things to do.

He Could Have Gotten Out of That Loan: If he had just sold his beachfront house, his custom motorcycle, and countless firearms. Apparently, mercenary work doesn't actually pay good money. It was odd, for a movie whose central premise is a high-tech super boat, to saddle the characters with a very real world consequence like bank loans.

In Conclusion:

This movie is fucking stupid. And I actually kind of liked it. I don't know that I liked it enough to search out its sequels (or the TV show that it spawned), but I can't say I didn't have fun.

Should You Watch It?

No, absolutely not. Unless this is also kind of your thing. Terrible movies, that is. This one was more than a little bit fun.

Miscellany:

- Requisite Wrestler Cameos: One thing I've begun to notice about the Hulkster: he takes care of his buddies. In Thunder in Paradise, we get cameos from Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart, Jimmy Hart, and Brutus the Barber Beefcake.

- This movie screams backdoor TV pilot. Because it was. The film was picked up for a single series order on the TNT network. Then it was cancelled. A few of its other episodes were collected and released on home video as Thunder in Paradise II and Thunder in Paradise 3 (Yes, they changed the numbering convention, and YES, it really bugs me).

- Hulk's eye was actually injured. Some say it was a ski-doo-ing accident, and others claimed that Macho Man Randy Savage punched him in the face backstage at WrestleMania IX. They quickly wrote in an eyepatch and a minor story for it. Later, when you see Hogan's injured eye, it isn't make-up or a contact lens: that's his actual blood-shot eye.