It is balls-to-the-wall insanity. It is a cartoonish parody of American hyper violence. It is stylish, gorgeous to look at, and every actor is firmly onboard. It isn't a "good" movie, per se: but it is a helluva fun time.
What does that movie have to do with this year's (surprise) hit, Venom? Well, I really like bad movies. I like movies that are audaciously terrible. I have fun watching them. As soon as the reviews for Venom started to roll in, I had high hopes that Venom would rise to Punisher: War Zone's level of bat-shit fun.
... It didn't.
Summary:
Eddie Brock (Tom Hardy) is an investigative journalist blah blah blah. Alien SIM-BYE-OAT blah blah blah. Fighting.Pros:
Edward Thomas Hardy: Tom Hardy is incredible. He is like this generation's Nicolas Cage. He can take dialogue written by a five-year-old and make it sound Shakespearean. They saddled him with an immense responsibility, here: sell an inherently ridiculous movie. And I'll be damned if he doesn't give it his best shot. It's not enough, but he does great work. In fact, Hardy is the only actor in the entire film that seems to understand what movie he's in. His work with the symbiote (SYM-BYE-OAT!) is the movie's heart and soul: it helps that Tom Hardy is essentially just acting with himself (he voices Venom, too).Spider-Man: Into the Spiderverse: One of the film's two stingers is an extended clip from Spider-Man: Into the Spiderverse. And that movie looks incredible. It was almost worth it sitting through all of Venom's awfulness just to watch a preview for this movie.
Cons:
These Actors Are Great, I Swear: I hope Sony paid Riz Ahmed a lot of money for this movie. Because they absolutely wasted his time. His, legitimately, a great actor, who has spent the last few years turning in nuanced, heartfelt performances all over the place. Then... this. His Carlton Drake is a big fat nothing-burger villain. He never even gets close to approaching Eddie Redmayne (in Jupiter Ascending) status insanity. Such a wasted opportunity. And Michelle Williams! She's great. She isn't in this, though. She has no chemistry with Hardy, and doesn't seem to know what to do with this character. Again, I hope they paid her a lot. But, hey, this is Hollywood, so probably not.Shitty CG and Confusing Action: I'm sure someone worked really hard on the CG elements of this movie. But they suck. This movie looks like it was produced ten years ago. It doesn't help that the hero and big bad of the movie are both CGI snot monsters: their big confrontation is confusing, hectic, and nearly nauseating. And then there's the movie's big motorcycle chase: where we see Tom Hardy doing his best to act against a green screen, strapped to an obviously fixed-in-place motorcycle prop. Jesus. The action in this movie isn't fun, it's boring and same-y.
Why Are They Working So Hard For So Little?: This movie is nearly two hours long, and wastes nearly its whole first half getting Eddie and Venom together. It cannot be that hard to write this. But the script has five screenplay credits. FIVE. It feels like a mish-mash of different movies frankensteined together, too. One of my favorite games to play, after a bad movie, with my wife, is Fix This Movie. Essentially, we re-write and re-plot the movie to fix everything that sucks about it. It's a great exercise. When two amateurs can plot out a 90 minute cut of your shitty two-hour movie, you have a problem. When Tom Hardy's insanity is the best thing your film has going for it, LET THE MAN BE INSANE. Get to that insanity as fast as possible. Venom does not.
"He's Got Shit You've Never Seen!": Is a line Venom tells Eddie right before they stride into battle with Riot, the other SIM-BYE-OAT. It's one of the best lines in the whole movie... and it is completely wasted. Because all that shit that you've never seen before? Yeah, Riot doesn't do any of that. He makes metal ax blades on his hands! Bet you've never seen THAT shit before.
Eddie Brock is a Terrible Journalist: There is a little news montage of Eddie's show, The Brock Report, and it feels like a terrible web-based Info Wars knock off, and not the supposedly major network news show that the film wants us to believe it is. He is crass, a terrible interview, and ham-handed. No wonder the guy got tossed out of New York. It's a wonder he ever got rehired in the first place. To think that Brock would ever break a major story is insane and laughable on its face.
Not San Francisco: This movie is set in San Francisco, and they waste that opportunity. It never feels like it's actually set there: the city never feels like a proper character in the film, and that is a disappointment. It was filmed in Georgia, and feels like it.
Little Orphan Carnage: So, Woody Harrelson plays Cletus Cassidy in the movie's proper stinger. And he has the most insane Little Orphan Annie wig I have ever seen. Am I supposed to be scared of this guy? Jesus.
You Can Tell No One Thought This Movie Was Going to Work: Sony just got the greatest gift ever: a movie they clearly thought was going to be a boxoffice turd is a genuine hit. This movie feels like a rushed, half-hearted cash-grab. And it worked. And that makes me sad. Things like this shouldn't be rewarded, but a sequel will almost certainly be greenlit.
This Thing is Begging to Be Rated R: In a world where we know that rated R superhero franchises work, turning in a toothless PG-13 cut of Venom is just insulting. Venom EATS multiple people. He bites off some dude's head and eats another man whole. And there's not a drop of blood. Come on, guys.
In Conclusion:
This movie is fucking stupid. And not fun stupid. Just stupid.Should You Watch It?
Absolutely not. It isn't pretty, the action isn't novel or unique, and Hardy's performance is not nearly enough to justify watching. Literally nothing about it demands that you see it.Miscellany:
- No.
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