The Snowman (2017)

How does a film fail at every aspect of movie making?

I. What Is It?

This is the story of Hairy Hole, an Oslo detective, and his ex girlfriend, and her new boyfriend, and her son, and a new cop, and her father, and the killer her father was hunting, and snow men, and plot-device police laptops that record interviews, and creepy JK Simmons, and coffee beans. And... Shit.

II. It Fails. At Everything

This movie is two hours of my life that I will never get back. It is also a highly instructional two hours: this movie is a two-hour long master class on how NOT to make a movie. It feels like the filmmakers sat down with a great novel (and the book IS good; I have read it) and said to themselves, "how can we ruin every single thing about this?"

How do you tell a story? This film doesn't do that. Between a bucketful of red herrings, coming in-media-res to character relationships (how the fuck are we supposed to understand Hairy and Rakel's relationship? I know, because I have read seven of Jo Nesbo's excellent novels, but your average theater-goer would have no fucking clue), flashbacks that don't signal that they are flashbacks, and plot contrivances that reek of poor editing or just bad writing, this film never feels like it's actually telling a story. It just sort of happens.

How do you establish tension? This film doesn't do that. It feels choppy: the editing is horrendous in a way that I have rarely ever seen. The cuts are rapid, pointless and nauseating. There are time and logic jumps that make the film feel amateurish and cheap.

How do you establish a compelling hero and villain? This film doesn't do that. The characters just seem to float through the entire thing. Harry is absolutely terrible at his job: he doesn't solve a single goddamned thing. Michael Fassbender turns in a scowly, gravel-voice one-note performance that makes one question his entire body of work. And the rest of the Oslo police are just as fucking inept. Rebecca Ferguson gets the thankless role of playing a cardboard standee damsel in distress that makes every single stupid mistake she needs to in order for the plot to "advance." The reveal of the killer makes little-to-no sense, because the film was so obsessed with pulling the wool over your eyes that they forgot to actually layer in REAL clues. You can fool the detectives or you can fool the audience: but fooling both is a mistake. Someone has to know what's going on. In this movie, no one does, it seems.

The music is all wrong. There are times where it feels like a slick Fincher thriller. And then there are times where it feels like a Hallmark Channel TV movie.

The CG is terrible: if you told me they had a CG budget of $100, I'd believe you. If you cannot reasonably pull off a sequence where a character has their head blown off by a shotgun, perhaps you shouldn't shoot that scene in the first place.

This is one of the biggest piles of trash that I have ever seen. I would love to see a movie about HOW such a thing was allowed to happen. This was a trainwreck from start to finish, and I'd love to hear the story behind exactly how it all went down.

III. His Name is Hairy Hole

The main character's name is Harry Hole. And instead of pronouncing it the way a Norwegian would, they decided to pronounce it "Hairy Hole." It should be pronounced, "Harry Ho-ley." Which will make you laugh out loud every fucking time.

IV. Should You See It?

Absolutely not. There are fun bad films, and then there are embarrassing bad films. The Snowman is a pox on all of these people's houses. It has the pedigree to be something excellent: it has a competent director, it's based on a popular book series, and it boasts a cast of A+ actors across the board. But it fails: everything about it falls flat, or rings hollow. I am not often furious at a movie, but this one made me mad.

Miscellany

- Director Tomas Alfredsson has stated that, due to a too-short shooting schedule, 15-20 percent of the script was not shot.
- Val Kilmer was recovering from throat cancer during filming. His tongue was swollen, and he could not deliver his lines. All of his dialogue is redubbed with (terrible) ADR. Bet you didn't notice. Kilmer looks absolutely ravaged onscreen: I was sad every time I saw him. I'm a little mad they let him do this: this film was not worth the trouble, and the shabby ADR doesn't do HIM any favors. Just sad.
- The film boasts a $35 million budget. It scored a domestic box office take of $6.7 million. Ouch.
- Martin Scorcese was originally attached to direct, but bowed out. He remained on as a producer. Which means he still has a little shit smeared on his shirt.
- Jonny Greenwood created a score for the film that was not used. I am not sure which I prefer: a better soundtrack for a crap movie, or the fact that Greenwood dodged the bullet of having his name associated with this dross. Probably the latter.
- The last scene describes a murder from the novel The Leopard, with Hairy volunteering to take the case. They really thought this was going to be a series, huh. 
- The film boasts an 8% score on Rotten Tomatoes.