After Wonder Woman (2017), DC seemed to have gotten their shit together.
But Aquaman loomed on the horizon.
The marketing campaign focused on the sense of fun, the bright colors, and the adventure of it all.
But would it live up to the hype?
I. What is It?
This is the story of Arthur Curry. His mom was a queen and his dad was a... light house... guy. They fell in love, and she had to go back to Atlantis... because. Anyway, many years later, Arthur's half brother is gathering the might of the seven seas to wage war on the surface world. And only Arthur can stop him. Cuz he's a king, ya know.II. It is Pretty...
The color in this film is bright and pops off every frame. The reds and teals have been dialed up to eleven, and stand in stark contrast to the dreary world of the previous DCEU. When the show heads to Sicily, in particular, the proceedings become absolutely gorgeous to behold.
III. ...But Vapid
The dialogue in this film is fucking awful. Just awful. No one speaks to each other like real people: instead they rattle off long monologues of exposition, or puke out "one-liners" that land like lead balloons. It doesn't help that, outside of a smoldering stare, or a wicked grin, Jason Momoa just... can't. Can't emote. Can't act. Can't really do anything that a leading man needs to. He looks like he's having fun, though. At the end of the day, I suppose I'd rather watch an incompetent have a blast than watch an incompetent try to sell me psychological nuance or authentic stakes. Momoa just waltzes around shirtless, with low-slung leather pants, and shouts, "BADASS!"
The plot goes to insane lengths. Literally, this movie is two hours and 23 minutes long. That's at least thirty minutes too long. There are five credits on this screenplay. FIVE. It is bloated, and overcomplicated, even as it rarely has anything profound to say.
This would have been an excellent 90 minute jam. But it isn't. And that's a shame.
The plot goes to insane lengths. Literally, this movie is two hours and 23 minutes long. That's at least thirty minutes too long. There are five credits on this screenplay. FIVE. It is bloated, and overcomplicated, even as it rarely has anything profound to say.
This would have been an excellent 90 minute jam. But it isn't. And that's a shame.
IV. The CG Made My Eyes Hurt, Which Made My Brain Hurt
During the climactic battle at the end of the film, I had to avert my eyes. Everything is CG. There is no practical effect to hold on to, to root you in some kind of reality. It's all blue seas and bright lazers and crab people and giant sea horse monsters and tridents. And I could not watch it. If you're the kind of person who gets motion sick during CG extravaganzas, stay away from this one.V. The Costumes
I know I made fun of Momoa's shirtless, low-slung leather pants look earlier, but... it looks better than his Aquamnan duds. At least his leathern pants seemed functional. His Aquaman gear is bulky, replete with fake muscles and cartoonishly large, like something out of the Universal Studios Stunt Show.
Mera's costume is strange: you can see the way the corset squishes her midsection and makes her hips pop out in a strange angle. Amber Heard is a beautiful woman. Just, ya know, let her be beautiful, guys. And why does she have heeled boots? You don't need heeled boots under water.
Although, at one point she wears an octopus dress with a collar made out of jellyfishes. I would have appreciated more of that.
Mera's costume is strange: you can see the way the corset squishes her midsection and makes her hips pop out in a strange angle. Amber Heard is a beautiful woman. Just, ya know, let her be beautiful, guys. And why does she have heeled boots? You don't need heeled boots under water.
Although, at one point she wears an octopus dress with a collar made out of jellyfishes. I would have appreciated more of that.
VI. The Undeserving Bro Hero
Arthur Curry, aside from not really being a character, is an entirely undeserving hero. He is an idiot who scoffs at reading and blunders into every situation and just sort of lucks into solving riddles and mysteries. Unless Mera just does it for him. The only reason he's the hero of this movie is because his mother was royalty. He gets his ass kicked, and is generally outsmarted the entire time.
He even admits to the giant sea monster that he is unworthy of the trident at the end. And... the monster just lets him have it.... because he was honest, I guess?
Fuck that.
T'Challa learned how to be a king. Tony Stark learned how not to be selfish. Thor began to understand how to lead people.
Arthur Curry is an asshole. The only reason he becomes a hero at the end of this movie is because the script says he does.
He even admits to the giant sea monster that he is unworthy of the trident at the end. And... the monster just lets him have it.... because he was honest, I guess?
Fuck that.
T'Challa learned how to be a king. Tony Stark learned how not to be selfish. Thor began to understand how to lead people.
Arthur Curry is an asshole. The only reason he becomes a hero at the end of this movie is because the script says he does.
VII. Questions I Have
How do they talk underwater? Their mouths move... which suggests that they aren't speaking telepathically. But... sound doesn't travel underwater.
Why does Mera's underwater car thing have a windshield, if the inside of the car is ALSO filled with water? Why do they need underwater cars when they can ride sharks or seahorse monsters?
Is it technology or magic? Because Mera is essentially a water bender, and Arthur can talk to fish. And everyone has tridents. Unless they have laser rifles. What the fuck?
Why didn't they make hay out of having a Polynesian lead? Arthur and his father are both played by Polynesian actors. And they hail from... Maine. Look, Momoa did that awesome Haka on the red carpet of the premiere. Y'all should have leaned into that culture and taken an opportunity at some real representation. But, nah: Atlantis is white as fuck, and Curry is transplanted to the whitest state in the union. No. No no. No no no nonononono.
Why do Atlanteans, an ancient race, speak English?
Why does Mera's underwater car thing have a windshield, if the inside of the car is ALSO filled with water? Why do they need underwater cars when they can ride sharks or seahorse monsters?
Is it technology or magic? Because Mera is essentially a water bender, and Arthur can talk to fish. And everyone has tridents. Unless they have laser rifles. What the fuck?
Why didn't they make hay out of having a Polynesian lead? Arthur and his father are both played by Polynesian actors. And they hail from... Maine. Look, Momoa did that awesome Haka on the red carpet of the premiere. Y'all should have leaned into that culture and taken an opportunity at some real representation. But, nah: Atlantis is white as fuck, and Curry is transplanted to the whitest state in the union. No. No no. No no no nonononono.
Why do Atlanteans, an ancient race, speak English?
VIII. Should You Watch It?
For what it's worth, this is the second best DCEU film, if only by default. When presented with a bunch of turds and a fat-free sodium-free cracker, one always, I presume, chooses the cracker. And one would be glad to do so in context. Even if one would never choose that cracker when offered a more delicious snack instead.
If you want comic book adventure, go see Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse. It is a better movie in all regards.
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