HULKACINEMA!: The Ultimate Weapon (1998)

It is more unsettling than you think to see Hogan
without his trademark baby-down halo of hair.
He has a... bad wig in this movie.

This is an interesting entry in Hogan's oeuvre. It is 1998, Hulk is getting older, and the glory days of the past are starting to get farther in the rearview. It seems like he decided to change tack: make a darker, more dramatic movie than he was used to. Don't get me wrong, it's still a piece of trash, but it does seem to have higher dramatic ambitions than the ludicrous Thunder in Paradise, the family-friendly Suburban Commando, or the coke-fueled madness of No Holds Barred.

Summary:

Ben "Hardball" Cutter is a mercenary looking for his last big job before settling down with his wife. He gets that case and is assigned the son of a dead mercenary legend, Vince "Cobra" Dean, as his partner. The two discover that the UN Personnel that come to gather the arms that they have just rescued from terrorists are actually terrorists themselves, Hardball and Cobra take out the weapons, and most of the terrorists (again), and fly away in a helicopter. But this will come back to haunt both men, as the man behind the (second group of) terrorists plans to teach Cutter a lesson.

Things I Enjoyed (I've decided not to refer to these as "Pros," because, while most of these made me giggle, they aren't strengths of the film, per se):

Hogan Goes Dark: This is not a good movie. But, compared to his other works, this thing is dark as shit. We get an attempted rape, the politics of mercenary work (as much as a movie like this can really touch on that subject), a drug den (with goofy reggae music in the background), lots of murder, more blood than has ever appeared in a Hogan film, and a trip to a nineties titty bar (where Cutter's daughter works... yeah, we'll get to that in a minute). Hogan's traded his angel soft halo of bleach-blond hair for a 90s shock of kinda-blonde hair, and a tamed mustache (also tinted a darker shade). I am not sure if he just didn't want to look bald any more, or if he thought that he needed a full head of hair to be a real action star, but it is really unsettling to see Hogan without his trademark hairdos. He's also trying, really hard you guys, to ACT. And, to his benefit, his performance here is positively nuanced in comparison to the clunky strutting he provided in Suburban Commando. That's not to say that Hogan has become a good actor. Oh no. He still sucks, and it is still hilarious, but the man has made progress, by this point anyway.

Hulk Hogan's Creepy Interactions With Women and Children: This has sort of been a running theme in Hogan's movies: he inserts a scene or two where he acts fatherly, goofy, or has a kind of fun scene with a kid, usually a little girl. These scenes never seem to actually work in Hulk's favor, however. They are either always hilarious, or creepy, or, in this case, both. I noted earlier that Hogan's estranged daughter (who the film shows was somehow involved in a case he worked long ago, and after which was abandoned by Cutter to live in a foster home with a kindly Irish woman) works in a strip club. Cutter visits this strip club. And watches his daughter's act. For too long before he turns away in disgust. It is... weeeeeeiiiird. There's another part, later in the film, where the daughter fools a bad guy and knocks him out, after which Cutter says, "You really are Daddy's little girl!" and then hugs her, awkwardly, with a goofy ass smile plastered on his face. And then there's Cutter's proposal to his girlfriend. I say "proposal," but what I mean is "awkwardly takes out a ring box, hands it over to her, and says 'marry me' having seriously pissing her off after his last mercenary job." She says yes, of course. Because no one says no to Hogan. At least not for long. Weeeeiiird.

The Irish Bad Guy With No Accent: The Big Bad's main henchman, Roark, is an Irishman. He... does not do an Irish accent. He tries... in the first few minutes of screen time. But then it just kind of falls away... and by the end, they don't even really let him talk, which is for the best.

The Car Mirror Bad Guy Takedown: At one point, in his baggy canary yellow shirt and acid washed jeans, Cobra gets shot, and falls down behind a truck. The goon who shot him, being dutiful, goes to complete the kill. Only, as he walks up on the body, he sees that Cobra has the truck's side mirror, and his rifle aimed behind him. We see Cobra smile in the mirror, and shoot the bad guy. And it was a really neat action movie moment. It sucked that we didn't get any more of those.

Cons:

GI Joes... Kinda: Cutter belongs to some kind of mercenary crew where everyone has fun nicknames. His is "Hardball." Another dude is called "Cobra." The boss, "Top," of this organization, The Fraternal Order of Fighting Men, has a rigid code of honor, too. It's kind of like GI Joe... only these guys are mercenaries who likely have killed people all over the globe in shadow jobs that the US military (and likely others) didn't want to bother with. It's kind of disconcerting that Cutter and Cobra only just now realize that they did some shady shit. Like... you get paid money to go kill people, man. What did you expect? This movie wants to have its silly action movie cake and eat it too, and it just doesn't work.

So Short, and, Somehow, So Long: This is a 90-minute movie. It should not have taken me a week to watch it, and complete this review late (according to my own damn schedule). But it did. Mostly because I found other, more interesting things to do.

Missed Opportunities: The Big Bad, in this movie, is a swordsman. They have a really cool scene where he is training with a legit broadsword. And they never pay that off. They never let Hulk and the Bad Guy fight with swords. Come on, that was easy. It would have been rad. Later, they leave the Big Bad having stepped on the pressure plate of a Bouncing Betty explosive. The family walks off as we hear him calling out from the barn. I thought it would have been hilarious to just watch the family leave, and then hear an explosion. But no, we didn't get that, either. This movie was so intent on taking itself seriously, that it seems to have missed out on everything that makes watching a Hulk Hogan film appealing in the first place: the more insanity you have, the better.

In Conclusion:

This movie is fucking stupid. And I didn't like it. And I kind of hate myself now for coming up with this idea and making myself do it.

Should You Watch It?

No, absolutely not. It is available on Prime Video, however, if my review hasn't talked you out of it.

Miscellany:

- Requisite Wrestler Cameos: Brutus the Barber Beefcake was the bouncer at the bar.

- Hulk Hogan reportedly (according to IMDB anyway) refused to wear shirts on set. He and the director compromised and had him wear tank tops. I chose to believe this ridiculous story.

- This was a Canadian production that saw its initial release in Hungary. Yep, Hungary.